Apology beforehand of the rambling state of this post. Sometimes I just have to type and let it be whether it's good, makes sense or not.
It feels really awful not writing here on a regular basis. Just further evidence that Hannah is no longer with us. She's been gone 5 months now. We still miss her terribly. Not a day goes by that I do not shed some tears at the thought of not having her with me. I just miss her beyond belief. She was the light in our lives. A light that is irreplaceable. We'll never experience that light again in this lifetime. It's incredibly sad and immensely painful.
I don't know how other parents who have lost children feel but I know that everything feels strange for me. I've never been an angry person and for the last month I've really been dealing with some anger. I cannot even begin to describe what it is like to watch your family, friends, neighbors, and the world go on with life as it was before when your life has been so painfully altered. It's just the strangest feeling. I certainly don't blame everyone for going on with life, and I realize I have to somehow go on too, however, just the fact that I have to do it without Hannah is infuriating sometimes. I'd have to say that right now it's infuriating a lot of the time. My heart LONGS for her beautiful face and the sound of her voice. There are times when I'd sell my soul if I could have one more day with her. The whole experience is just indescibable. It's merciless almost.
Don't worry about my soul(I would never sell it!) ;) I talk to God and listen to Him regularly. I KNOW God is at work in all of this. My faith is intact. I can tell you this...God does not take the pain away. He does not ease it. He does help me tolerate it. I'm sure that really messed with some of your theology but it's the truth. I will never get over losing Hannah. It will never not hurt. I will however by the grace of God learn to live with it, and my hope is that I can learn to live well despite the constant pain in my heart.
I believe I will have a great life. I'll have an enjoyable life. I'll strive to use my experiences with Hannah and her loss to help other people. I know God has a plan and I'm trying to really let life happen. Whatever that might be. I did a one day workshop about a year ago. Billie had just passed away and I really thought that what I had learned that day applied to life without her. I had no idea I'd be living a life without Hannah nearly a year later. One of the phrases used in this workshop was "just do the next thing". I am a pro at attempting to figure out life. You'd think by now I'd learn that things just don't happen the way I think they are supposed to. My plans never pan out. I do know that when I "just do the next thing" life is so much more pleasant. It's flowing and freeing. I've been doing a lot more of "just doing the next thing" lately and it's working for me. I cannot live beyond the day right now. Actually I can't live beyond the moment. I love to read scripture in several bibles when I do my Bible study time. Matthew 6:34in The Message translation reads, "34 Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." He does help me. He's there every time I call. He doesn't rescue me from my pain but he sure makes it bearable. Thank you Lord for your constant care and please give my angel a big kiss on the forehead for me tonight!
God bless all and please keep us in your prayers.