I've been in a pretty hard place the last couple of weeks. Have you ever wanted something so bad and you knew there was no possible way to have it? It's not a good feeling. Think of that in terms of one of your children. Think about wanting to hear their voice or see them and KNOW that you can't ever do that. You can't plan a visit, or pick up a phone, or just go. EVER. I'm aware I will one day when I join Hannah in Heaven, but sometimes, a lot of times, right now, that isn't helpful.
I really am a person that avoids anger at all costs. I do not like people being mad. I don't like being mad. I don't like the way being angry feels. I also do not like to cry. Crying is neccessary I'm aware and I do it, but I do not like it. I've done a lot of crying in the past 6 months. More than I ever thought I could.
A couple of weeks ago I developed terrible back and neck pain. It was bad enough that I was seriously considering going to the doctor and those of you that know me, know that had to be pretty bad. There was no obvious reasons for the pain. I did not strain it. I had driven a lot but I do that all the time. Never had pain from it. It just popped up with no rhyme or reason.
I always try to be strong even when I'm not expected to or have to. I've decided that is a flaw. Nothing noble in it. Yesterday afternoon I sat on my bed, got out my phone and watched all the 30 second videos I have of Hannah on it. You can hear me way more than you can hear her but her sweet voice can be heard and it brought some of the precious moments just she and I had together back so vividly. I began sobbing and talking to God not so nicely. I asked, "what is wrong with me? Why did you do this to me? What did I do wrong? What am I not learning? Didn't I take good enough care of her? Didn't I love her enough?". Those were just a few of many. Honestly I know God called Hannah home because it was time to end her physical suffering. My mother's heart though just aches. Unless you have experienced this kind of loss you can't phathom it. I'm convinced there is no greater loss. Of course I know God loves me and all that. However sometimes none of it makes sense and I get mad. That's just the way it is for me.
After about 30 minutes of sobbing and talking to God I got up and began doing things. I had been in the dumps so bad that I had neglected a lot of stuff. I noticed I seemed lighter. Not happier but not so dark and gloomy. It wasn't long until I noticed that my back pain and neck pain were gone. A little soreness but no pain. I've heard and read so much about stress and what it does to the body. I never pay attention to it. My doctors harp on me about stress relief EVERY time I see them. "You have got to manage your stress load, Marcey". Your life depends on it. Seriously I get told that every month. I'm usually rolling my eyes and saying, "yeah right!" I even recently had a pschologist teach me relaxation techniques. I was skeptical but they really do work. Do I use them? Rarely. I have no excuses.
I always say I'm going to "try" to do something. In my "Vein of Gold" group yesterday our group leader asked us to show her how you "try" to do something. None of us could. The fact of the matter is you either can or you can't. You either do or you don't. Give it a shot. Go "try" to shake someones hand. See what happens. Fact of the matter is we choose whether we do or don't and "trying" can be a copout. That's the case for me. It's a word of safety. No one can fault you for "trying".
So today instead of saying, "despite my grief I'll try to take better care of myself and manage my stress level" or saying, I'll "try" to allow myself to express the grief I feel at losing Hannah instead of bottling it up until I physically hurt", I'm saying, "I will take better care of myself and do things to manage my stress and I will allow myself to feel and express the grief I have over the death of my Hannah". I'm choosing not to use that word of safety and just do.
Hannah, I want you to be proud of momma, but I'm going to let go of the notion that I have to handle your death in the "right" way, that I have to be strong and say and do the "right" thing for that to happen. I will make you proud but it's not going to be without my feeling and expressing the deep sorrow I feel at not having you physically with me. I know it's an expectation I put on myself. Not one you'd ever impose. I love you so deeply and miss you every breathing second of my day sweet beautiful girl! Thanks for being such a wonderful child and teaching me so much about life and living it. Love you always!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
I couldn't sleep last night. I'm missing my girl a lot. I felt a melt down coming on and thought the shower was the best place to have it. No one can hear me over the water. After my shower I came to bed and pulled up Hannah's blog and went back to the beginning. I read through the entire thing. God, I'm so glad I kept this thing. So many things I had forgotten but my memory was refreshed as I read through. I feel like my inspiration for writing died with her. I love writing but I loved writing about her. What can I possibly write about her now. It all seems so sad and leaves me flailing around for what I should do next. I don't want to let the world forget her. Not many people ask how I'm doing anymore and so many are afraid to say Hannah's name. I long for people to talk about her, to remember her. I think even my boys and David are afraid to talk about her for fear of upsetting me or making me feel worse. The only thing wrong with me is that I miss my girl. I think I'm handling her death pretty well. I get up everyday and I take showers, clean my house, get out and among people. I'm making it. I'm trying to live without her. I try to think about how happy she must be in heaven with the nanna that she loved so much, the beautiful music, and her Jesus(he was always HER Jesus). "My Jesus", she'd say. I Loved it. There are no more seizures there. No more doctors appt's and hospital stays. No more needles and procedures. I tell God everyday to tell her that her mommy loved her so much. That it's o.k. that she left me. I'll be o.k. And I am o.k. I believe in God's love for me and know that He took her because it was time. He decided "no more pain little Hannah" and took her home. I'm ready now like never before to join her some day. When it's my time. Until then, I put one foot in front of the other and love her from a distance. She's in my heart always.
Posted by Marcey at 2:04 PM